What do you tell your child when you autism diagnosis explains everything they have been quietly watching? Tara Neri returns.
Show Notes
Episode Details
Season (Thread): 8
Episode number: 12
Release date: 2026-09-09
Hosts:
Natasha Stavros, PhD — author of The Unmasking Diary and Burning Inside Out (coming to a bookstore near you in December 2026)
Sarah Liebman — licensed marriage and family therapist, ADHD-diagnosed, special interests all things neurodiverse
Audio Engineer and Composer: Noah Smith
Director: Linda Highfield
Duration: 00:32:19
Audience and tone: Educational, conversational, supportive; stigma-free exploration of neurodivergence, diagnosis, and self-understanding using personal experience as a case study
Summary [AI generated, human edited]: When a neurodivergent parent discloses their autism or ADHD diagnosis to their child, the most important thing they’re offering is not information — it’s context. Silence doesn’t protect children, it just leaves them to write their own story, often that they are the cause. Natasha Stavros, Sarah Liebman, and returning guest Tara Neri (LCMHC, UnmaskedParenting) explore how talking openly about diagnosis with your child builds connection, shared vocabulary, and a sense of belonging rooted in authenticity rather than sameness. They draw the critical distinction between authoritarian and authoritative parenting, between secrecy and privacy, and conscious, chosen masking versus shame-based survival masking most late-diagnosed adults have lived. The episode closes with a diary excerpt from After the Masquerade in which Natasha’s daughter, post-Austria meltdown, says the words that break everything open: “It’s just too much. I know I am being bad.”
Key takeaways about disclosing your late diagnosis to your child:
Silence is not protection: If you don’t explain what your child is witnessing when you’re in burnout or shutdown, they will fill in the blank themselves — and the story children tell themselves is often that they are the cause.
Belonging is not sameness: Talking to your child about your diagnosis creates shared language, connection, and a sense of belonging grounded in authenticity, not in being like everyone else.
Conscious masking is not the same as survival masking: The goal of neurodivergent-affirming parenting is not to eliminate masking, but to raise children who know themselves well enough to choose when, where, and with whom they unmask. The mask only harms the masker when it disconnects from the self entirely.
[This section is AI-generated, human edited].
Resources and References
Our guest Tara Neri offers some great resources to dig deeper into many of these topics including:
The Unmasking Autism Diary: Memoir Excerpt on disclosing diagnosis to your child
Ever since we got back from Austria, my daughter has been running on empty. It’s the start of a new school year – her swimming lessons changed. Half of her friends have moved onto Kindergarten. Every morning she asks to stay home from school. She doesn’t even want to go out to eat because she’d rather be home in a less stimulating environment.
Wherever we go, she finds a “friend” and clings to them for co-regulation. She is really intense when she approaches potential friends – shifting and adjusting to accommodate what they might like. And when there is nobody else – she finds anything as a substitute for co-regulation, transferring her affection to objects.
In the last month, I can count at least four instances when her body shut down entirely. Something sent her over the edge and her body took over. She screamed knowing that she should stop, but she couldn’t.
The closer I got to try and stop her, save her – she flailed more, or ran faster… in a blind panic into dangerous situations.
The only thing I could do was not react, remain calm, keep my voice low, and my movements slow and predictable. I had to let her go inside and pull herself out, because at this point only she could tame the primal urge to fight with all her power.
The most recent of these meltdowns happened after swim class. It was a new teacher. New time. Different students. Old pool. Everything was different. After class she didn’t want to get out. She began to shut down – losing her speech, physically resisting the end of class, avoiding climbing out of the ladder. Then she played, stalling longer. Finally, her friend went to the changing room. She followed her. She picked the same one her friend wanted, even though her friend got there first. She sat down and refused to move. I had to pick her up and carry her out. She started screaming. I put her down to get my shoes to leave, she started running full speed, dripping wet all around the pool deck screaming.
Eventually, we found our peace. Me standing ten feet away, talking low, trying to get into her line of vision, but she wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t listen. I didn’t know what to do. If I approached, if I did anything, she would scream and run.
All I could think was how unsafe she was being and how much others are watching.
When we finally got into the car and no one was around, I told her that she can’t do that. I know that sometimes feelings can get really big, but that we should say, “May I please have some space to process this.” I have her repeat the words, hoping that we could build muscle memory. I offered her the word “pause” or simply to hold up her hand to signify stop.
The whole drive home I held tears just on the edges of my eyes.
As we turned down the last stretch of road, I said to her, “When you scream and act dangerously, people get scared. They will think you are in danger and they will take action. Sometimes, those actions aren’t what you want. They could try and take you away from mommy and daddy. They could think that you are unsafe with us.”
I said, “Do you know what makes you scream and run?”
She said, “It’s just too much. I know I am being bad.”
As we parked the car, I looked at her, subverting eye contact, “Do you want to know what I think?”
She nodded.
“I think that you have the same brain as mommy. I think that the world is overwhelming sometimes and you are trying hard all the time,” She nodded again. “This part of your brain,” I pointed to her forehead, “it is the part of your brain that thinks through things and makes choices, but this part of the brain,” I pointed to the back of her neck at the base of her skull, “it is what activates when you get scared. Do you feel like sometimes that part of the brain is making you do things that you do not want to do?”
She nodded again. “I think that’s mostly right Mama. I think that coming back from Austria was really hard.”
Me, “You mean the stress of coming back and making so many adjustments?”
Her, “Ya-”. We hugged and connected over the shared feelings of dysregulation.
AI-generated Show Transcript
Disclaimer
This podcast is for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute counseling, psychotherapy, or mental health services. Listening to this podcast or communicating with the host and guests does not form a therapist-client relationship. The information here is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your own mental health professional with any questions you may have regarding a mental health condition.*
Introduction: What Does It Mean to Disclose Your Autism Diagnosis to Your Child?
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:01:26]`
Welcome to Following the Threads. I’m Natasha Stavros.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:01:30]`
And I’m Sarah Liebman.
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:01:32]`
Today’s episode is the fourth in our five-part series on disclosing your diagnosis — and we’re unpacking what it means to disclose your autism or ADHD diagnosis as a parent to your child. Before we dive in, let’s welcome back our guest, Tara Neri. Tara is a licensed clinical mental health counselor certified in ADHD and autism spectrum disorder practice, an autistic ADHD parent with sensory processing differences, and the creator of Unmasked Parenting. For this episode, we went round and around about what the elements of this really are: what does it mean for me as your parent? What does it mean for you if it is heritable? And what does this mean when it comes to providing your child safety in an ableist world?
Why You Should Talk to Your Child About Your Autism Diagnosis
*Silence doesn’t protect children — it just leaves them to write their own story. And the story children write is almost always that they are the cause.*
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:02:50]`
There are a couple of ways this can present. You may be totally burnt out, you may experience a shutdown, or how you show up for your child is not consistent — even though you know consistency would be best for them, and you want that for them, but you can only work with the nervous system you have. So Tara, what are your thoughts on talking about it — with respect to what’s happening for you?
**Tara Neri** `[00:03:27]`
I’m going to challenge you a little on the framing that what’s best for them is a consistent nervous system and consistent capacity. I think the biggest piece is authenticity and trust in the relationship — and a big part of that is them understanding what they’re experiencing when it comes to you. We talk about specifics: right now, sound or light is very painful for me. We talk about overload, shutdown, energy levels. Every morning, my kids and I check in: where’s everybody at? Where’s your battery? Throughout the day we do little check-ins so they’re embodying some of that for themselves. And even if I didn’t say anything — they’re going to notice it anyway. So when I’m in shutdown or meltdown, I can give them the shorthand, and they can put that under the umbrella of everything else we’ve discussed about how our nervous systems work. Having the terminology means I don’t have to find words when I have no capacity for words.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:06:39]`
Children are already in the room. It’s not like we’re pulling up a big garage door that has been protecting them from what’s happening, what they’re seeing, what they’re feeling. If we’re silent, we’re not protecting them — we’re just leaving them, as Tara said, without an explanation and leaving them to fill things in on their own. And all of us who have been through therapy or self-help or watched enough television know that the story a child makes up is almost always that they are at fault. Not just “I did something wrong” — it lodges deeper than that: my deep internal self is at fault. Context is one of the most important things parents can provide. “We can’t do this the way we usually do because my nervous system is overloaded right now” — that’s not a failure. That’s information.
Collaborative High-Support Parenting: Learning Your Nervous System Together
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:08:47]`
When you talk to your child about your diagnosis, you’re also giving them language and vocabulary for their own experiences. And when you recognize yourself in them — when they don’t have the words for something and you do — that can be a really key moment to build connection. Let them know you see them, it’s okay, you love them, and you know what it’s like to want to behave one way and have a brain and body that overrides the control tower. Tara, you’ve mentioned belonging in this context — can you expand on that?
**Tara Neri** `[00:10:04]`
When we have these conversations and say, “Hey, that’s happened to me before” — especially when children are young and they look up to us — we’re showing them that there are other people who experience the world some of the ways they do, that there is language for this, and that they do belong somewhere. It starts with those conversations between parent and child, and as they get older there are other ways to build onto it. The anchor is: come from empathy and seeing their experience, not consoling your own. That’s the piece I want to emphasize from Episode 8 — recognition without projection.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:12:03]`
What I love about what Tara is talking about is belonging — not the old family version of belonging, which was “you’re just like your grandfather and everybody knows how he turned out.” That’s an old way of making belonging happen in families. What Tara is describing is something different: we are not isolated little collections of problems that need to be fixed. Belonging is not sameness. What you’re experiencing, even if it’s hard, doesn’t mean you don’t belong here. And difference is not a reason to ostracize or exclude anyone in our family or community.
Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Parenting: The Role of Collaboration
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:15:38]`
This brings up something Sarah and I have talked about — the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian is: I am the authority, you listen, you do it. Authoritative is: I may have more experience and wisdom here, and we’re going to work together to figure out how to adapt to this situation collaboratively.
**Tara Neri** `[00:16:19]`
Absolutely. With authoritarian parenting, there’s a big piece of fear turning into control. Authoritative is: I am the adult, and you are learning yourself, and I’m learning you, and we’re going to figure out what that looks like together. Working to build trust in the relationship so that you don’t need control — you don’t have to rely on it. And collaboration is the mechanism of change in parenting. Sometimes you’re collaborating in your own head; sometimes with a partner. But you’re not creating an “us and them” between child and parent. We are the supporters. We’re the ones who wipe our faces off and say: let’s all lay in my bed and watch a movie together because that’s what kind of mom I can be today. That’s still collaboration and connection.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:22:02]`
And sometimes collaboration also means pulling from other sources. Tara, I love what you said about using books — “do you remember when this character felt this way?” — as a way to help a child relate to their own experience without it feeling like an attack. Similarly, sharing your own story rather than telling them about themselves: “I remember one time when I did this, and this is what happened. Do you think you have something similar going on?” That’s leading with your experience rather than labeling theirs.
Preparing Your Child for an Ableist World: Privacy vs. Secrecy, Masking vs. Consent
*A neurodivergent-affirming home is within your control as a parent. But children also need honest preparation for a world that is not always safe for people who are different.*
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:18:02]`
I’ve been a high-masking autistic person who got diagnosed at 39. Masking has been an essential part of my survival — that is why I learned to mask, because I didn’t have a diagnosis, I didn’t have an explanation. Instead I had shame, misunderstanding, and narratives that painted me in a very negative light. And now I’m confused: I don’t want to project that onto my child, but I also want to create a safe family unit and prepare her for a world where her difference can sometimes be weaponized against her. How do you talk about that without instilling fear?
**Tara Neri** `[00:19:26]`
I want to teach them that our autism is not something to be ashamed of — but also not lie to them about the realities of the world. Privacy and secrecy are two different boxes we’ve explored from day one. We don’t keep secrets in our family — secrets are not safe, and they’re very different from surprises. Privacy is something everyone has a right to: that person gets to decide who has access to them, and who doesn’t. From a very young age, we talk about our safe circle: who are the people that wholly and truly accept us? Who lights up our life, who can we trust, who would help us if we’re in need? Building that sense of what a safe relationship feels like, what a safe environment feels like — so that as they grow, they can start differentiating: this person I’m happy to give access to, and this person I’m not comfortable with at all. Unmasked parenting doesn’t mean never masking. It means I want them to know who they are underneath — no matter what they have to do to stay safe. So when they do mask, it’s a conscious choice: “This person doesn’t have the right to access me. This is not a safe environment.” That’s agency. That’s a real gift.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:22:02]`
I pushed back a little when Natasha said “they have to learn to mask — that’s survival.” What I said was: we don’t have to create children who know what masks to wear so the world stays the way it is. And we don’t have to pre-install a mask. Masking is human. When it’s entered into flexibly and with consent, it can actually be a relief. I would like to go into a session and be my therapist self — I’m still myself underneath, but not every single aspect of myself. In family therapy we’d say there’s a boundary, but it’s porous enough to let things in and out. The difference for those of us who learned to mask without diagnosis is that these were not strategies we were connected to — they were our secrets, our shame. When the mask disconnects from the self and there’s a rupture — that is when masking harms the masker. If you already accept yourself and have learned you don’t need anyone else to confirm you’re acceptable, then you can choose when and where and in what context. You carry your belonging with you everywhere you go.
Closing: What We Covered and What’s Coming Next
**Natasha Stavros** `[00:24:16]`
Before we wrap, I want to make sure we hit one more key point that I think is implicit in everything Tara just said — part of what you’re doing for your children is helping them build interoception: the skill of noticing what their body signals are, knowing when it’s a safe environment versus when it’s not, and recognizing warning signs before a meltdown escalates. The mask doesn’t always have to be there. It doesn’t have to be the default. Some practical preparation is teaching children to identify early warning signs before a shutdown or meltdown, know who their allies are, and know which environments are safe. Today’s theme — part four in our five-part disclosure series — was how talking to your child about your diagnosis brings connection, belonging, and collaboration; shifts your parenting; and creates a neurodivergent-affirming home and ultimately community. Thank you, Tara, for joining the show today. Subscribe to hear next week’s episode — we’re going to put a hold on the final part of the disclosure series on employment and kick off a five-part series on meltdowns and shutdowns. Please like, share, or comment. We look forward to getting to know you.
**Sarah Liebman** `[00:25:50]`
See you next time. Bye.